why

Why when you walk into the house walking on air… Why when you feel like you could fly because everything is going great… Why then do parents pick to completely take you apart and examen you. Piece by piece they take you apart like some kind of machine. Tell you what’s wrong and why they think they should upgrade to the next model, or in this case the older sibling. Even if the next model doesn’t do anything. Even if the next model quit their job because they couldn’t pass a frickin tests so they quit while you passed the tests and keep going, but all they can tell you is that you’re not good enough to be anything and that you should just stick to the ordinary. Because you’re not good enough to go into music, but you’re not smart enough to be a scientist, you should just stick with something normal that they want to you to do. You’re too fat, you dress the wrong way, you say the wrong things, you listen to the wrong music, you do the wrong things, your mistakes are always to great for forgivness, you have messed up  so bad that you can’t turn back and all you will ever be is some little kid, lost in the world, screwed up, given up, and lost. You will never be good enough, because your siblings will always be better. There will always be the sister with that perfect baby and husband. The sister who works at Arby’s is not going to school but is still perfect in every way. The brother that quit his job after 2 days because of the tests. The sister that is smart and great and will do just fine. The sister who gets perfect grades and makes them SO proud. The sister who doesn’t do anything, but still makes them happy because she is one of the babies. The youngest who will always be perfect because she is the baby. But you will never be good enough for them because they will forever compare you to them. The rest of the perfect family that you’re screwing up.  Why are parents never satisfied with who you are and what you want to be?

21 May, 2007

Eliza sat by her bed the tears streaming down her face. She didn’t think that it would be this hard. She knew it was coming, but it seemed to really hit her now. No matter what she did or didn’t do she was still going to move. She was moving to a place where she didn’t know a soul other than her father, to a smaller home than they had now, she could only pray that she would find hapiness there. The faces of her friends kept coming to her mind as she tried to put them out, this was not helping. She didn’t want to have to leave her friends, yet again!, to move to a new place right before the summer began. She wouldn’t have anything to do, once again, as it seemed she had almost always spent her summers in this way. Trying to get to know people, only to have one good summer with them, and then move again.  She would be completely starting over, no relatives other than her family, no old friends, nothing. She was leaving her life, as imperfect as it was, for this new life, and she had no idea what to expect from it. All she knew was that selfish or not, moving was something she completely loathed.

20 May, 2007

Eliza sat on her roof looking out onto her deserted street. She missed her dad more than ever. No matter what she did she could not shake this gloomy feeling that she was alone. Her mother had arrived home from her journeying the night before. Eliza was glad to see her again, but she soon noticed that nothing had changed. Her mother seemed to ignore her half of the time, and was angry with her the other half of the time. Eliza tried to do her best to help around the home by doing her chores, and taking care of her siblings, but her mother never seemed to see that. All that Eliza wanted was for her mother to love her as she did her other children. Eliza knew that her mother’s love for her was something she should have been certain about, but that didn’t stop the hurt that she felt with each word that her mother ignored, and each hurtful word her mother spoke to her. Her father seemed a world away. She had talked to him the night before, but at the end of the phone call she was in tears and still missed him. She missed him being able to come home on her bad days and make them better. All she wanted was for someone to give her a hug, and tell her that she was doing all right and that they were proud of her.

Eliza reached up to brush the tear that had streaked down her face away. She looked up into the cloudy sky and wished for rain. When it rained, it seemed as if someone else was crying with her and that she was not so alone. She thought back to her day at church, seeing her friends who were graduating talk and realizing how much time she had wasted. She thought back to the lesson that was shared of the lepers, and how she had heard it all before, but each time she continued to get something more out of it. She thought to the girl that she had befriended for her friend L. while he was in another class. The lesson that was shared on keeping track of her life. She shook her head, journal writing was not one of her strong points, she would try though, as always, to do better.

Eliza thought of everything and nothing of all, of R. of her friend who had arrive back from their trip, of her homework that she had yet to do, but of all things things, she mostly thought of her father, and sat there feeling alone and missing him.

Time

She stared down from the clocktower, tears streaming down her face. She reached up to brush away a strand of hair that the wind had blown into her face. She could feel the wetness of her tears on her skin, and wondered if it was indeed tears or was it the rain? She wasn’t about to jump, as some of you might think that she was, she was instead watching. No one knew what she was watching for, though many asked her, they always received the same answer from her, “I’m waiting for Equim.” Some thought she spoke of a man, others that she was truly crazy, and some that she ought to just be let alone. Every night she stood atop the clock tower staring down into the world that lay below.  No one really knew where she had come from, or who she was, only that she would be there every night at a quarter to ten.

Something I’m working on, tell me what you think.

Moving

What’s the point? Moving just puts you in a different place, sometimes in awkward positions, and uses energy. Why can’t we all just stay where we are? Relax take time to breathe and not rush everything by moving. Sometimes I wonder if people can even just stay where they are without moving for one minute. On tiny minute, could you do it? It just seems like the thing to do. Stay put, never move, just stay as we are for an eternity. We all know, however, that this is not what we should be doing. Moving is essential to our lives. Essential to getting all the work done. Essential to help others. Essential to be able to relieve ourselves of the steress we feel.

Stress. We all feel it. Why then can some deal with it and the rest of us are just left behind still hurting from it? It’s like a bad disease. People are worrying about cancer and other deadly diseases, but they aren’t worried about stress taking hold of us and not letting go until it has every single drop of our energy. Stress never lets one feel comfortable, much less relaxed. To be so tense, so worried, and anxious all the time is complete torture to ourselves. Find an outlet. The stress needs to come out, let it out instead of keeping it inside allowing it to take over you and destroy you. Just let it go.

-HIF-

I miss you more than I could ever say,It still hurts me inside.I think of you,the things we did,together as a team.I realize how much like you I have become in your absence. Who is supposed to take your place when you’re gone? Who did you think was really going to step up to bat here? I am the only one who seems to give a culpate about whats going on here, but I know you didn’t mean to leave me with this mess. You were doing what you needed to. I can’t blame you, I just miss you. I feel empty and the emptiness gnaws at me inside. The anger and the hurt they escape in the form of words to the ones we both love, but I just get so tired. All I want to do is sleep, but there is never time to sleep, I just rest and wake up and keep on going. Eventually I suppose I will crash, but until then I’ll just keep on doing it. It’s not healthy, I know this, it’s my fault not yous, but I don’t want to stop, because as long as something else hurts, then my heart doesn’t hurt for you. This silences the cries of my heart, if only for a while.

I’m Ready

It’s the feeling of being forgotten.
It’s the worry of not knowing what’s coming next.
It’s the worry of not knowing where you’ll end up.
It’s the worry of not knowing where you’re going.
It’s the feeling of sickness that you can’t show.
It’s the feeling that your heart that is breaking, but no one else can tell.
It’s the longing of someone to hold you tight and tell you everything will be okay, not shut up no one cares.
It’s being able to express yourself, and not be afraid of rebuke.
It’s not being afraid of your family, because you can’t tell them what you feel
It’s the feeling of wanting to tell someone your problems, but not having anyone there.
Not being able to tell your friends, because they will think less of you.
Or having someone who used to be there, but they moved and you don’t see them often.
Seeing a glimpse of someone, and then them acting like something completely different.
Wanting to cry, but can’t because it would be one more problem for them.
Feeling empty, wishing you could fix this on your own.
Agitated… You can’t move, and you aren’t going any where.
Wanting to scream, but keeping it inside so u won’t be heard.
Having a problem, but can’t tell it because it’s “not acceptable”
Watching your back to see who is watching.
The thought of having to pick yourself up once again and piece yourself back together, alone again tears you silently apart.
It’s walking on a line that the world expects you to follow,
It’s stumbling and having it shoved into your face
It’s feeling alone while being surrounded by a million people
It’s reaching out and having no one there
It’s walking the line the world plots for you and then completely going off of it finally free.

These words at one time or another are thought of by teenagers all over. We are not stupid bystanders who know nothing. We want to know things, but we need you to tell us. Be straight and honest with us, tell us the truth don’t sugar coat it. We can take it. We are strong enough. We can listen, we can help.

Hello world!

Hello World! I am here….